


Blackbird

by paintitb1ack



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Sam Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-15 23:43:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12331197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paintitb1ack/pseuds/paintitb1ack
Summary: An alternate version of what Sam might've gone through while having to share the bunker with Lucifer in season 12.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For the love of God, would you just let them talk to each other already?

Chuck wants to talk.

But that makes sense, doesn’t it? Lucifer has been on a killing spree, with no intent to stop until every human has been wiped from the earth. So of course Dad would try and put together a little sit-down with his sadist of a son. But just because God is yearning to have a conversation doesn’t mean that he feels the same way. In fact, the moment He suggests it, the archangel swivels on his heels and heads for the door.

Dean ducks out of his way, but Sam isn’t quick enough. Whether it be accidental or on purpose, Lucifer knocks up against his chest, the soft thump of his shoulder actually driving all of the oxygen from the boy’s lungs.

“Oh, sorry about that, kiddo,” the archangel says with mock concern. He gently slides his hands up the hunter’s arms and over his pecs, practically feeling him up under the guise of making sure he didn’t hurt him. “You alright?” He asks, Castiel’s blue eyes blinking innocently up at Sam. 

“I’m—” The younger Winchester takes a shaky breath. “I’m f-fine. I’m fine.”

Lucifer gives a slight grin, one small enough that only his boy can see it. “Good.” One finger touches lightly at his belt as he pulls away. Then his demeanor reverts back to what it was earlier, a quick glare tossed in his father’s direction before he finally exits the room.

Tapping his leg, Dean glances towards his brother, who is standing stock-still, staring at the space the archangel only just vacated. It’s clear that Sam has been more than a little on edge since the revelation that Lucifer is possessing Cas, but this is more than that. He hasn’t looked like this since his most recent stint in The Cage. 

Dean licks his lips. “Sam?”

The boy inhales sharply, as though awakening from a dream. He turns to his brother, murmuring a single “no” and backing away as Dean tries to approach.

“Woah, hey, hold on,” the older Winchester says, both hands raised. “What’s the matter with you?” He’s not annoyed, his words instead tinged with rough concern. 

Not in the state to discuss the thoughts spinning ‘round his mind, Sam replies, “Nothing.” 

Dean starts to press, but the boy just repeats the word, louder this time: “Nothing!” 

He leaves the room before his brother can say anything else.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer is an asshole, but he's not an idiot.

Sam shakes out his arms as he moves quickly down the hall. He needs to get away, not just away from Lucifer but away from _all_ of them. If this happens again, questions will be asked, questions that he can’t answer right now. 

Dean has recently been keeping the keys to the Impala contained to the front right front pocket of his jeans, only taking them out to put them in the ignition. They used to be in his right _back_ pocket, but then he caught Sam trying to pickpocket him. The younger man’s explanation was that he just needed to get something out of the trunk but, when Dean asked him what it was he needed, he just sort of stumbled over his words until the older hunter gave a sarcastic “mmhmm” and moved the keys to their new location. 

So with his plan to go for a drive currently out the window, Sam decides that the best thing to do is return to his room. He’s got his pencils and notebooks in there, including a journal he began keeping while he was at the psychiatric hospital all those years ago. It was a part of his treatment until he was no longer strong enough to write. And after he was healed, he decided to hold onto it. Dean liked to poke him for keeping a diary but, to be honest, it was actually a lot of help. And now, hopefully, it will keep him steady until they finally figure out what to do with Lucifer.

The hunter walks up to his door and turns the knob, prepared to try and relax. Unfortunately, he doesn’t notice that the room is occupied until he’s already stepped over the threshold. 

Lucifer is standing by his desk, combing through his things, specifically the navy blue book with the cheap gold bookmark. 

Sam’s journal. 

The archangel looks up, a pleased smile on his face. 

_he read it_

Sam feels his heart drop into his stomach.

_he read it he read it you read it_

The door suddenly slams shut behind him, and the boy jumps.

“Of course I read it,” Lucifer says. He picks up the journal, watching as Sam tries the door.

_locked_

**_Naturally._ **

“You talk about me a _lot_ ,” the archangel continues aloud as he flips through the pages. “Me at the graveyard, me in The Cage, me as a…” He raises his eyebrows. “…hallucination.”

Sam scratches at his arm. “Can you— can you put that down?”

“Absolutely not.” Pausing his investigation, he taps at one of the lines. “Listen to this, I like this one.” He clears his throat. _“Dean came to see me today. He doesn’t want to show it, but he’s angry that none of the meds are working. I told him that there’s no point in trying anything else, and he yelled at me. He took me by the shoulders and told me to shut up. He told me that I have to keep fighting. But the thing is, I don’t know if I want to.”_ Lucifer tucks the book against his chest. “That’s some real sad shit, babe.”

“I was dying.”

“Not exactly a foreign concept.”

“This was—”

“Different?” Lucifer grimaces. “Yeah, I got that. But what I really love is this part right here.” He waves one of the pages in his boy’s direction. “This is the last thing you wrote before leaving the crazy house.”

Pressing his thumb firmly against his palm, Sam says, “Please.”

But the archangel just licks his lips and begins to read: _“Dean just left. I wanted to tell him what I was planning, but I can’t. He would just stop me. Cas shouldn’t have saved me. He should have left me alone. Why didn’t he just leave me alone? Or maybe he did. Maybe I’m still in Hell. I don’t know anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. But I know how to figure it out. And now I’m brave enough to do it. One of the nurses accidentally - or maybe it was on purpose - left his keys in my room. There’s also a bottle opener that I stole before he came back for the chain. Hopefully it’s sharp enough. If you’re reading this, Dean, I love you. More than you will ever know. But I have to go now. It's what I want. I want to be with Lucifer. I’m sorry.”_

Sam’s eyes are on the floor, tears streaming down his cheeks. He’s never gone back and read what he wrote during his time in the psych ward, and this is exactly why. He knew he wouldn’t be able to handle it. And now, hearing his own words from Lucifer’s lips is like he’s reliving those months all over again.

 _“I want to be with Lucifer.”_ The archangel purses his lips as he puts the journal back on the desk. “Colour me intrigued.”

“I didn’t…” Sam swallows hard and raises his head. “I just meant that I didn’t want to live anymore.”

“Clearly.” Lucifer begins moving in his direction. “But you said it. You want to be with me. Fuck big brother, am I right?”

The boy shifts uncomfortably and immediately the other man’s eyebrows go up.

**_Not what I meant, but kudos to you both._ **

“Lucifer—”

The archangel raises one hand, dropping the hunter into silence. “Now that I’ve got competition…” He steps up to Sam, as close as he can, and takes his boy’s unresisting wrists in his grasp. “…I think you and I need to take it up a notch.”

Lucifer is just beginning to lean in when Sam suddenly says, “You can’t.”

Eyes narrow in irritation. “Why not?”

“Dean’ll kill you.” The hunter lifts his chin, doing his best to avoid the lips wavering a hair’s breadth away from his own. “He’ll, he’ll kill you.”

Eyes tinged with a bit of red, Lucifer gives a long “hmm” before finally deciding to pull away. “No, you’re right,” he says, ignoring his boy’s sigh of relief. “Not the time or the place.” Sitting down on Sam’s bed, he gestures towards the door, effectively kicking the Winchester out.

“This is my—” Sam starts, but the archangel interrupts him with a look that sends him quickly from the room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm implying that, during his stay in the psych facility, Sam was going to try and commit suicide. Clearly, he was stopped before he got to that point. Maybe the nurse was a demon who wanted him to die? Maybe the nurse, keys, and bottle opener were just another hallucination? Who knows?  
> \-----  
> Also, the three chapters that will make up this story are just a quick-fire plot I pulled from a discussion I had in the comments.  
> \-----  
> Finally, I'm still updating 'Consequences' this month, so there's no need to worry about that.


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